I will never know what it is like to carry and delivery 2 healthy babies. I carried and delivered 1 healthy one; and 1 very sick one. Since we only get one crack at this thing called life………I will never get the chance to again have a child without the cloud of uncertainty hanging over me. I kiss Garrett’s baby cheeks twice as much as a did Grant’s. I pick him up twice as fast when he is crying, compared to Grant. Did Grant get the short end of the stick? Hardly. Grant and Garrett get equal love, affection, and attention.
However -- Garrett changed me. He changed how I mother. EVERY TIME either of my children do anything I am thankful. I know is sounds RIDICULOUS, but I am SO THANKFUL every time Garrett poops! (This is my blog so I will write whatever I feel like, incase you hadn’t figured that out). The fact that all Garrett’s “pluming” works is nothing short of a miracle. And I give thanks every time that it does WORK.
Sometimes I go pick Garrett out of his crib while he is sleeping for no apparent reason. I just hold him; rock him. Probably because I wasn’t allowed to touch him for so long. When people go through any kind of trauma it changes them. Some of the changes are good and, of course, some are not. I no longer waste any of my day on people, places, things, that I do not care about. I spend time with only those whom I want to be around. I no longer do things because it is what I “should do”. I only do things I want to do when I want to do them. Period. Previously I was already this type of a person, but now I am even more so.
Unfortunately my friend Andrea also now has a sick child. She will be forever changed, as am I. Her views on life, what is important, what isn’t, etc. will now all be altered. When you go through a trauma involving your child, your views on the world change. What will now be the most important things in her life will change drastically from what they were 2 months ago. Her “normal” is now altered. Paul and I’s “normal” was altered. We have been beyond fortunate that our normal has returned fairly close to our old normal……..plus one more tiny human in the house. I so hope that my friend Andrea’s normal gets back close to the place where it used to be.
While typing this Garrett (who is not fully crawling yet due to his delays, but is what I call a creeper who gets where he wants my scooting, rolling, and army crawling) had made it across the room……..off to go track him down………..
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Westin
I think when my hear hurts I turn to blogging. It obviously is a coping device for me. So, in the words of one of my favorite comedians Ron White, “Well, if it makes me feel better (with a shrugging of his shoulders)”.
Right now, as most of you know my heart hurts for Westin Gress, my friend Andrea, her husband Shaun, and their newborn, Becca. Wow. For those of you who need a brief update on the story: Westin became sick in early December with the Herpes Simplex 1 Virus. This is same virus that almost all people carry and causes the common cold sore. However it affected Westin differently leaving him with severe brain damage over the course of the past month. I am not going to go into all the details I know. I wish I didn’t know them. I wish things like this DIDN’T EXIST.
On one of my worst days in the hospital with Garrett, he was in a lot of pain. He cried most of the day. His cries were silent since he was intubated. Paul couldn’t take it anymore and left that night. I couldn’t leave. Who would be there for him if I left? I wanted to leave. I wanted to run far, far away. I wanted to run to a place where there was no suffering. I remember it like yesterday. It was a Saturday night. I went and sat in the Chapel at the hospital by myself and cried. I heard cars driving by the hospital right outside the chapel. I remember thinking to myself, “How can all these people be going somewhere, carrying on with their normal lives when my world has fallen apart?” As another CDH mother wrote: when you have a sick child the world does not stop spinning. Unfortunately she was right. Though my world had stopped, the rest of the world had not. I would not wish that feeling I had that night on my worst enemy; and now my best friend is experiencing those types of feelings. I know she is. She mother’s like I do. Her children are her world and her world is her children.
Miracles happen every day. I believe in miracles. I witnessed one.
Westin was Andrea’s first child; her first baby. Our other best friend Megan and myself through Westin’s baby shower. I loved him before he was even born. He was a tuff baby. I am sure Andrea would agree. But when he hit 4/5 months old, he became a joy. He was easy going and happy. The smile and giggle from that child could light up a room. Since Andrea lives quite a distance from me, my direct contact with Westin was limited. I only had the opportunity to be surrounded by him once. One time that, now, I cherish more than anyone could probably ever understand.
I would never change ONE THING about having Garrett. I adore that child. ADORE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE HIM! (Just as much as I love Grant!). However, in having him, I have had to miss some events that have scarred me a little. I missed my only brother’s wedding during Garrett’s time in the hospital – that one still hurts. And now, I am unable to go be there to support my best friend during this time. Since Garrett has a compromised immune system, we have to be exceptionally careful with him during his first 12 months of life. He is even receiving the Synegis Vaccination (for RSV) which is only given to extremely high risk cases (not EVEN going to tell you what THAT cost a dose!). He is more susceptible to contracting ‘things’. I spoke with Garrett’s Neonatologist and she strongly recommended I do not go to the hospital to see Westin :(. She was concerned about me being at the hospital in general since it is the middle of RSV/Flu/all the winter colds out there season. I completely understand what she is saying, the last thing I need to do is bring something home to him-- as picking up a common virus can be fatal for a CDH baby. So here I sit. Blogging. Because I can’t go up there! I feel so helpless.
Megan did have the idea to start a fund to help with Westin’s expenses. So I am helping with that and it made me feel a little more useful. But it is not the same. I want to see Andrea. I want to be there for her. Luckily Megan has made a couple trips up. When she goes up I feel like a part of me has made it up there too. Thank God for Megan.
To Andrea: I love you like a sister. I think you know that. Since I don’t have any sisters of my own (even though I always wanted one, damn Ben!) I adopted you and Megan. Very little time passes during the day that my thoughts don’t turn to you. I know you know how badly I want to be there. I know you have to be questioning a lot right now. Human nature. As I told you in beginning, as long as you are making decisions that you feel are the best for Westin at the GIVEN TIME, you are always making the right decision. Your opinion and Shaun’s are all that matters. I love you my friend. And am missing you right now more than you can imagine.
Love, Janna
Right now, as most of you know my heart hurts for Westin Gress, my friend Andrea, her husband Shaun, and their newborn, Becca. Wow. For those of you who need a brief update on the story: Westin became sick in early December with the Herpes Simplex 1 Virus. This is same virus that almost all people carry and causes the common cold sore. However it affected Westin differently leaving him with severe brain damage over the course of the past month. I am not going to go into all the details I know. I wish I didn’t know them. I wish things like this DIDN’T EXIST.
On one of my worst days in the hospital with Garrett, he was in a lot of pain. He cried most of the day. His cries were silent since he was intubated. Paul couldn’t take it anymore and left that night. I couldn’t leave. Who would be there for him if I left? I wanted to leave. I wanted to run far, far away. I wanted to run to a place where there was no suffering. I remember it like yesterday. It was a Saturday night. I went and sat in the Chapel at the hospital by myself and cried. I heard cars driving by the hospital right outside the chapel. I remember thinking to myself, “How can all these people be going somewhere, carrying on with their normal lives when my world has fallen apart?” As another CDH mother wrote: when you have a sick child the world does not stop spinning. Unfortunately she was right. Though my world had stopped, the rest of the world had not. I would not wish that feeling I had that night on my worst enemy; and now my best friend is experiencing those types of feelings. I know she is. She mother’s like I do. Her children are her world and her world is her children.
Miracles happen every day. I believe in miracles. I witnessed one.
Westin was Andrea’s first child; her first baby. Our other best friend Megan and myself through Westin’s baby shower. I loved him before he was even born. He was a tuff baby. I am sure Andrea would agree. But when he hit 4/5 months old, he became a joy. He was easy going and happy. The smile and giggle from that child could light up a room. Since Andrea lives quite a distance from me, my direct contact with Westin was limited. I only had the opportunity to be surrounded by him once. One time that, now, I cherish more than anyone could probably ever understand.
I would never change ONE THING about having Garrett. I adore that child. ADORE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE HIM! (Just as much as I love Grant!). However, in having him, I have had to miss some events that have scarred me a little. I missed my only brother’s wedding during Garrett’s time in the hospital – that one still hurts. And now, I am unable to go be there to support my best friend during this time. Since Garrett has a compromised immune system, we have to be exceptionally careful with him during his first 12 months of life. He is even receiving the Synegis Vaccination (for RSV) which is only given to extremely high risk cases (not EVEN going to tell you what THAT cost a dose!). He is more susceptible to contracting ‘things’. I spoke with Garrett’s Neonatologist and she strongly recommended I do not go to the hospital to see Westin :(. She was concerned about me being at the hospital in general since it is the middle of RSV/Flu/all the winter colds out there season. I completely understand what she is saying, the last thing I need to do is bring something home to him-- as picking up a common virus can be fatal for a CDH baby. So here I sit. Blogging. Because I can’t go up there! I feel so helpless.
Megan did have the idea to start a fund to help with Westin’s expenses. So I am helping with that and it made me feel a little more useful. But it is not the same. I want to see Andrea. I want to be there for her. Luckily Megan has made a couple trips up. When she goes up I feel like a part of me has made it up there too. Thank God for Megan.
To Andrea: I love you like a sister. I think you know that. Since I don’t have any sisters of my own (even though I always wanted one, damn Ben!) I adopted you and Megan. Very little time passes during the day that my thoughts don’t turn to you. I know you know how badly I want to be there. I know you have to be questioning a lot right now. Human nature. As I told you in beginning, as long as you are making decisions that you feel are the best for Westin at the GIVEN TIME, you are always making the right decision. Your opinion and Shaun’s are all that matters. I love you my friend. And am missing you right now more than you can imagine.
Love, Janna
Sunday, January 8, 2012
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