I Will Never Know.

I will never know what it is like to carry and delivery 2 healthy babies. I carried and delivered 1 healthy one; and 1 very sick one. Since we only get one crack at this thing called life………I will never get the chance to again have a child without the cloud of uncertainty hanging over me. I kiss Garrett’s baby cheeks twice as much as a did Grant’s. I pick him up twice as fast when he is crying, compared to Grant. Did Grant get the short end of the stick? Hardly. Grant and Garrett get equal love, affection, and attention.




However -- Garrett changed me. He changed how I mother. EVERY TIME either of my children do anything I am thankful. I know is sounds RIDICULOUS, but I am SO THANKFUL every time Garrett poops! (This is my blog so I will write whatever I feel like, incase you hadn’t figured that out). The fact that all Garrett’s “pluming” works is nothing short of a miracle. And I give thanks every time that it does WORK.



Sometimes I go pick Garrett out of his crib while he is sleeping for no apparent reason. I just hold him; rock him. Probably because I wasn’t allowed to touch him for so long. When people go through any kind of trauma it changes them. Some of the changes are good and, of course, some are not. I no longer waste any of my day on people, places, things, that I do not care about. I spend time with only those whom I want to be around. I no longer do things because it is what I “should do”. I only do things I want to do when I want to do them. Period. Previously I was already this type of a person, but now I am even more so.



Unfortunately my friend Andrea also now has a sick child. She will be forever changed, as am I. Her views on life, what is important, what isn’t, etc. will now all be altered. When you go through a trauma involving your child, your views on the world change. What will now be the most important things in her life will change drastically from what they were 2 months ago. Her “normal” is now altered. Paul and I’s “normal” was altered. We have been beyond fortunate that our normal has returned fairly close to our old normal……..plus one more tiny human in the house. I so hope that my friend Andrea’s normal gets back close to the place where it used to be.



While typing this Garrett (who is not fully crawling yet due to his delays, but is what I call a creeper who gets where he wants my scooting, rolling, and army crawling) had made it across the room……..off to go track him down………..